The Malfoy Handbook: Volume I
by jspotter
Summary: MALFOYS ONLY. The ultimate guide to becoming the epitome of the perfect Malfoy. It will help you on your journey to become better than everybody else in the entire universe. Read carefully and thoroughly to properly be the perfect Malfoy.
1. Prologue

**author's note: **

**I officially hate myself. **

**GAH. WHY DO I KEEP WRITING STORIES?**

**:D**

**So anyways, I REALLY LIKE THIS STORY ^.^ Review pleaseee? :D**

**BTW, look out for a ****For A Dance**** , ****Secret, Dreams and More**** , ****You Got Zapped, Malfoy****, and ****You're My Perfect Fantasy**** update sometime this week. Also, I'll be adding yet ANOTHER story, ****Clich****é****, but that might not be up until…. sometime later. xD**

**Enjoy :D**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not not own Harry Potter. jk….. ROWLING! :D **

If you have been handed this extremely rare book published a long time ago, then you are most definitely part of the Malfoy bloodline, and if you aren't, I highly recommend closing this book _right now _and go on with your own pitiful life and continue wishing you were a Malfoy (unless, of course, you'd like to experience the lovely Bat-Bogey Hex that comes with this book, which I'm totally fine with).

Well, now that we've established that you _are _an amazing, special, envied Malfoy, you will need to act so, which is exactly what this book will help you with, because right now you are probably inflicted with disgusting Muggle customs and much other inflictions that are as nauseating as that. Thank Merlin (or _Malfoy_) this book was written. Can you imagine? Priceless Malfoys running around in _Muggle _clothing and doing _Muggle _things. As I said before, nauseating.

This book will also teach you the special Malfoy way of doing things from eating and talking to the many secret ways of solving problems. Yes, young Malfoy, you are holding an extremely priceless book that many will try stealing from you with their blood thirsty outsider ways, and I expect you, my lovely Malfoy, to guard this with your life (or a close friend's life, don't want to lose a Malfoy, now do we?). Or else all of human civilization will know the many secrets of how to be a Malfoy and we'd end up with millions of Malfoy impersonators, and nobody wants that, now do we?

Now that you know what this book is about, I expect you'll start reading it. Right now. Because along with that Bat-Bogey Hex for Malfoy wannabes, there is also a… er…. Malfoys-Must-Read-This-Book Hex. Also, I'm sure you're dying to know all the secrets to your valuable surname, so you can one day be as amazing a Malfoy as the Malfoy before you. And the Malfoy before him. And before him. And before him and him and him and him.

Sincerely,

The Ultimate Malfoy

P.S. I almost forgot.

**~Table of Contents~**

Chapter One: The Basics

_Name, Appearance, Clothing, Food_

Chapter Two: Personality

_Speech, Thoughts, Actions_

Chapter Three: Shelter

_Adequate Living Standards_

Chapter Four: Hogwarts

_There Is Not Enough Room To Include The Amount Of Items Covered In This Chapter_

Chapter Five: Friends

_Suitable Acquaintances_

Chapter Six: Relationships

_Appropriate Partners, Romance, Marriage_

Chapter Seven: After Hogwarts

_First Jobs, Ministry of Magic_

Chapter Eight: Children

_Raising, Discipline, Too Many Other Items To Talk About_

Chapter Nine: Malfoy World Domination

_The Title Explains It All_

**author's note: **

**JUSTSOYOUKNOW, the Table Of Contents will be added to and edited and stuff as I progress into the story. **

**5 reviews, prettyprettyprettyplease.**


	2. Chapter One: The Basics

**author's note: **

**Yay! Thanks for the reviews, guys(: **

**YOU GUYS ROCK!**

**Second chap. WOOT! :D**

**Disclaimer: Cause I can definitely turn into JKR (yes, I'm that cool)**

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_**Malfoy **_**-noun **

**1. Ancient pureblood family surname.**

**2. An intelligent Slytherin wizard with intense, stormy gray eyes and sexily tousled blond hair. Sex object of Hogwarts.  
**

_**~ The Urban Dictionary**_

* * *

Chapter One: The Basics

_Name, Appearance, Clothing, Food_

i._ Name_

The first step to become one of us, striking, amazing, spectacular Malfoys is to have a striking, amazing, spectacular Malfoy name. Now, I can practically hear your young Malfoy mind whirling, thinking about your own first and middle name. Is it honorable enough? Magnificent enough? Memorable enough? _Malfoy _enough?

This is why I have created The- Official-Malfoy-Name-Guidelines. If your name follows the rules below, it is deemed as acceptable. If it is not, you will need to:

a) Change your name, leaving no traces to your previous name, for if that were to happen… things would get very, very ugly. Malfoy's are perfect. There is no way around this fact. An unacceptable name = an imperfect Malfoy, which means that you would have to be disowned.

b) Change your entire name (first _and _last), dye your hair pitch black, and move to Antarctica.

With no further ado, I present to you, the most sought after Malfoy Name Guidelines.

THE MOST LOVED AND WORSHIPPED AND EPIC 

MALFOY NAME GUIDELINES

1.) Your most prestigious Malfoy name must end with either an S or a vowel.

2.) Names inspired by historic events, the solar system, and mythology are all acceptable. Preferably with Greek or Latin roots.

3.) The name CANNOT bring happy thoughts to your mind, such as Sunny, Crystal, or Joy.

4.) When spoken, the name must bring fear and/or supremacy into one's mind. It must create the feeling of awe and hopelessness, for you, Malfoy, are superior to all.

Suitable names would be _Scorpius _or _Draco. _Roar.

5.) If you are running low on names suitable for a Malfoy (or you're just too lazy to come up with one as Malfoy as a Malfoy's), you can always use the list below:

Malfoy Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Brutus Malfoy, Meliors Malfoy, or Sidus Malfoy

6.) You must have ONLY a first and last name, and occasionally a middle name.

There shall be no Malfoy (EVER) that has some ridiculously long name, like Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfe schlegelstein hausenberger dorffvoraltern waren gewissenhaft schaferswessen schafewaren wohlgepflege und sorgfaltigkeit beschutzen von angreifen durch ihrraubgierigfeinde welche voraltern zwolftausend jahres vorandieerscheinen wander ersteer dem enschderraumschiff gebrauchlicht als sein ursprung von kraftgestart sein lange fahrt hinzwischen sternartigraum auf der suchenach diestern welche gehabt bewohnbar planeten kreise drehen sich und wohin der neurasse von verstandigmen schlichkeit konnte fortplanzen und sicher freuen anlebens langlich freude und ruhe mit nicht ein furcht vor angreifen von anderer intelligent geschopfs von hinzwischen sternartigraumen, Sr. (yes, that's a name).

No, Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined is not acceptable either (a British muggle boy's legally changed name).

~-M-~-M-~

ii. _Appearance_

To be a perfect Malfoy, you MUST have the following attributes:

- _Perfect _blond hair

- _Steely _gray eyes

- _Faultlessly _high arched cheek bones

- _A _sharp, pointed chin

- _Ideally _pale skin.

- Sexy to the billionth power

Keep in mind, however, that all these physical features automatically come with being a Malfoy (unless of course, you are some unheard of mutation of ugliness and stolen Malfoyness, because there is no possible way for Malfoy's not to have the features listed above).

In order for your blond hair to be _perfect_, you must take EXACTLY 2 hours, 23 minutes, and 57.24852 seconds each day to groom it, directly after you wake up at 3:29:23 a.m. You must go directly into the bathroom to start grooming your hair, for the world shall end if an non-Malfoy sees you without your hair perfectly Malfoy.

Once you get in the shower (wait until the water temperature reaches 99.23-99.234 degrees Fahrenheit) and wet your hair, use your most rare and special Malfoy shampoo. This shampoo formula has been a Malfoy family secret for a considerable number of centuries, and if anyone shall know of it, well, it's not a good thing, which is why the formula will not be written here. Someone may steal your Malfoy shampoo. If the bottle of Malfoy Family Shampoo runs out (for there is currently only one 3 oz. bottle of this shampoo left in the world), use only Pantene shampoo. They have amazing sales. After you have washed out the shampoo, please continue to use the special Malfoy Family Shampoo, unless it has run out. If that is the case, please use Pantene. This step in grooming your hair will take approximately 58 minutes.

After you get out of the shower, dry your hair using only Egyptian Cotton towels. Any other type will instantly kill you. Well, it'll ruin your hair and make it look o-or-_ordinary, _so same thing. This step should take 2 minutes and 27.24852 seconds.

Next, gel. Gel is an essential part of the Malfoy Hair Grooming Method. So use gel. Lots of it. USE IT. USE IT NOW.

Now, blow dry your hair. This will take the remaining time and is also an important part of the Malfoy Hair Grooming Method. This is the final step in creating that effortless, much envied, windswept Malfoy hair.

The rest of the Malfoy features come naturally with being a Malfoy. Unless, of course, you _are _an unheard of mutation of ugliness and stolen Malfoyness.

~-M-~-M-~

iii. _Clothing_

Now, unless you have been living in a box for the...

That was a joke. No Malfoy shall ever live in a box.

Or even _step _or _hold _a box.

Unless of course, it has black rainbows on fields with luscious black grass and black unicorns jumping over the black rainbow painted on it.

Of course, there is always an exception for boxes with black rainbows on fields with muggle hair and black unicorns jumping over the black rainbow with the words 'Malfoys are the most amazing and perfect and envied and special people in the world." That's okay to hold or step in too.

Moving on, clothing. Malfoy's must always be well dressed, no matter where you are. If any non-Malfoy happens to see you without your designer clothing, OBLIVATE THEM. OBLIVATE THEM IMMEDIATELY.

Your clothing should be bought individually at high class stores. Each article of clothing must be 50 - infinity Galleons each. Your outfit each day should total up to at least 350 Galleons or more. Preferably more.

Acceptable Clothing Stores:

~ _The Malfoy Outfitters_- a store specializing in Malfoy family clothing

~_ Malfoy Hand Crafters- _a store that sells custom-made Malfoy merchandise to Malfoy's and Malfoy followers

~ _For The Best- _a store that sells acceptable upscale clothing for only Pureblood families

~ _Mudbloods Must Die_- a lovely store filled with objects to torture Mudbloods and Muggles with.

Also sells shirts with "Malfoys Are Number One" written on it (designed by Lord Malfoy)

Clothing must be stylish and up to date, or else your skin will burn off your clothing, for it will be much too horrid and painful for your skin to even touch.

~-M-~-M-~

iiii. _Food _

Food. The very essence of our lives. It is partly what makes a Malfoy a Malfoy, the tender, white meat atop a soft, buttery bun, under another soft bun.

_This_, my Malfoys, is why we live. For the women, power, being-awesomer-than-everybody-else, and for the food. The yummy, delicious food. Especially bacon. Bacon is on a level of which nothing can beat.

Except for a Malfoy, of course. Malfoys beat everything.

Yes, even bacon.

Malfoy's should only eat in the highest class restaurants, where there are no Muggles and Mudbloods to spy on you with their beady little eyes. Beware the beady little eyes, for they are certainly rubbing their sweaty palms together, coming up with a devious little plan to destroy all Malfoys, which is UNACCEPTABLE, because a world without Malfoys is like a world without bacon. IMPOSSIBLE.

Malfoys do not follow any religions except for their own, which is why we are allowed to eat any type of meats. However, disgusting foods (like spinach and peas) are strictly forbidden.

Malfoys do not follow diets. They are despicable and idiotic, for:

a) Malfoys simply do not get _fat. Fat _is for non-Malfoys.

b) They're so incredibly disgusting, they shouldn't be allowed to even _make _"weight loss food."

Malfoys must eat 3 meals a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. However, Malfoys are not allowed to cook their own food. Doing so would mean that you believe that Malfoys can sink to the level of _house elves _and _Muggles _and non-_Malfoys, _which is a big NO-NO in the Malfoy Family Household.

Remember that ketchup is a requirement. A packet of it must be with you at any meal at all times, for if you are caught without this essential flavor... oh, let's not even _go _there.

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**author's note: **

**So, I hope you enjoyed that, cause I most certainly did. **

**Cause it was epic. **

**And the most awesome chapter I have EVER EVER EVER written. **

**Like, ever. **

**:D**

**Well, get to 20 reviews, and I'll get you the 2nd chapter of the Malfoy Handbook. Fast. **

**SO START REVIEWING. **

**Please? ^-^**


	3. Chapter Two: Personality

**author's note: **

**Hey guys!**

**I love you guys sooo muuchhh right now! The reviews were in**_**cred**_**ible! **

**Well, I'm feeling quite depressed right at this moment. My split and spiral and arabesque and whatever suck. **

**Cause I am as flexible as a **_**stick**_**. **

**No, not a bendy stick either. **

**I'd appreciate if any of you guys that can do any of the above (splits, spirals, arabesques, blahblahblah) could tell me some stretches or give me helpful links or videos in a review or message. I'd love you half to death. If, of course, I don't already(: **

**This chapter is for**_** SoSlytherin111910 **_**for she is an amazing writer and awesome reviewer, and cause Slytherins are supermegafoxyawesomehot :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for a chocolate frog, which I is slowly nomnomnoming on.**

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**Malfoylicious -**

**Having Malfoy like qualities in looks and/or demeanor.**

**"Heyyy, that guy with the long bleach blonde hair is SOO malfoylicious." **

**"Dude, did you see that guy? He's soo malfoylicious."**

_** The Urban Dictionary**_

* * *

Chapter Two: Personality

_Speech, Thoughts, Actions_

i._ Speech_

This, my Malfoy's, is the first step of one of the vital keys to being a true Malfoy. Speech.

Speech is one of the reasons it's so amazing to _be _a Malfoy, other than the fact that by being a Malfoy you are both devilishlyand stunningly handsome, along with being filthy rich, better than everyone else in the entire _universe _and oh-so intelligent.

To have perfect, Malfoy-esque speech, you must, _must, _speak as if you are a Malfoy. Because, well, you _are._

Now, speaking like a Malfoy is not easily taught or learned. You are simply born speaking Malfoy-esque….. or you aren't, and unless you, my son, _are _a Malfoy, you cannot, and I repeat can_not _speak in the ways of the Malfoys.

Examples of Malfoy Speech:

_Example One- _

The Malfoy Admirer to her friends: Oh my gosh, have you seen how sexy and absolutely amazing Malfoy became?

The friend: You idiot! How dare you say that? He's always been this sexy and absolutely ama—

The Malfoy (walking up to the Malfoy Admirer Group): Talking about me behind my back is rude, ladies. How about a little meeting at midnight today in the Astronomy Tower to make up for it?

*insert giggles and frantic nodding here, all while attempting to look flirtatious (note the word "attempting")*

_Example Two-_

The Professor: Malfoy, how do you manage getting the highest marks in every single class, be Head Boy, best Quidditch Seeker and Captain we've ever been privileged enough to have in Hogwarts, _and _be able to look so utterly _dashing_ each and every day?

The Malfoy: I'm offended, Professor. I'm a Malfoy.

_Example Three- _

The Jealous Girl: You're disgusting and like, so ugly. I have no idea why the amazing Malfoy likes _you. _I mean, I'm _clearly _the better choice, you revolting slut.

The Girl: Ex_cuse _me? Well, he chose _me _over _you, _so I wouldn't be _talking, _you… you _wh—_

The Malfoy: Ladies, ladies. No fighting- we've got enough Malfoy for everybody. *insert famous, drool-worthy smirk here*

_Example Four-_

The Jealous Boy: _YOU BLOODY IDIOT. _You _filthy _piece of _scum. _

The Malfoy: Having fun talking to yourself?

The Jealous Boy: I was talking to _you. _

The Malfoy: Talking to a mirror now?

As you can see in all four examples, the Malfoy is always ready for any situation, calm and coolly collected throughout all of them. There are no times when a Malfoy is _not _prepared with a clever retort, a seductive response, or a statement laced with beautifully malicious thoughts and the consistent reminder that Malfoys are superior and better than each and every person in the world. Milky Way Galaxy. Universe_. _

If you ever find that you are unprepared and have no clever retorts, seductive responses, or malicious statements ready for use, you will need to travel back to the Malfoy Manor _immediately. _When you arrive at the Malfoy Manor, go straight toward the library on the second floor. Once you are in the library, take an immediate left so that you are facing the large glass doors. Enter the room behind the glass doors and you will find yourself in a small room filled with faded books. These books are extremely old and each and every one of them was written by a Malfoy. The books are one of a kind and cannot be found or bought anywhere because once they leave the safety of the enchanted glass doors, they will disintegrate. However, the only people who can enter the glass doors must have the surname "Malfoy," so you can be rest assured that the books are completely safe and you will not need to hire a pack of trolls to guard the room.

Go to the back of the room, and you will find an extremely large book entitled, "The Malfoy Handbook on Comebacks, Statements, and More." Read through it exactly 87 times, and once you are finished, a letter will appear in the back of the book. The letter will provide further instructions.

~-M-~-M-~

ii. _Thoughts _

As you are a Malfoy, we will not dwell on this section of the second chapter in the Handbook, as the thoughts of Malfoys are already engraved into your brains from the Malfoys that have come before you.

A few things to remember, however, are:

- You are a Malfoy. Malfoys are better than everybody.

- Never think before you speak. You are a Malfoy. What you say is _always _correct.

- People other than Malfoys are below you, therefore, thoughts should not be wasted on them.

- Your thoughts can be heard by others. Think as you would speak, hence you speak as you think.

- You have no weak spots. Everything about you is better than everyone else.

~-M-~-M-~

iii. _Actions _

Correct actions as a Malfoy are an extremely significant part of the Malfoy personality. I, the Ultimate Malfoy, have taken the time to write a list of the actions that are appropriate of a Malfoy.

The List of Actions that Malfoys Must Do

1.) Smirk constantly

The Malfoy Smirk must be present on your Malfoy face every second you are alive. If you, however, choose not to smirk, it will because you are:

a. Kissing your newest admirer or

b. Laughing at the poor deluded fool you have just beaten and utterly crushed with the Malfoy amazingness.

2.) No pouting, slouching, sulking, or anything along those lines

3.) Always look calm and collected

Panic and fear are not tolerable on the face of a Malfoy.

4.) No nail biting/chewing

This digusting non-Malfoy habit is exactly that. A non-Malfoy habit.

5.) Look, feel, act, _be _arrogant

Again, you are a Malfoy. You are better than everyone.

6.) Intimidate all others

Non-Malfoys are, once again, _below you. _One glance at a non-Malfoy from a Malfoy should be enough to make them run to their little mummies and hide under their pink fluffy blankets, hugging their pink fluffy unicorns.

7.) No drooling

8.) Confidence must be shown through your every action

Because you are a Malfoy and Malfoys do not make mistakes.

If you find yourself doing any of these things, obliviate whoever is in a one mile radius from you. Remove all evidence of you doing any of these non-Malfoy traits.

_If you bit your nails; _report immediately to Malfoy Nails in Sydney, Australia. Inform them of the situation and they will provide further details, after years of working with Malfoys.

_If you failed to smirk, look/feel/act/be arrogant, intimidate, or be confident; _follow the "obliviation" route.

_If you pouted, slouched, or sulked; _instantly become calm and collected and state clearly that you did _not _pout, slouch, or sulk.

_If you've failed to be calm and collected; _follow the "oblivation" route and become so immediately.

**author's note: **

**And there it is! The second chapter!**

**Yes, I realize that it was horrible. **

**OH WELL. **

**Review make moi happy :D**


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